December

I don't want to think too much right now. All the wasted time of my past does not seem to matter. I wonder what can I write at a moment when all seems to intertwine into something that does not make any difference. It is the most beautiful time of the year. I think of my childhood and everything that has happened during the past twenty years. So I end up thinking, after all. And it makes me so silent. Everything is so silent. I'm silent, the moment is solent, the waiting of tomorrow is silent, my apartment is silent. This year has gone so fast. I thought this year would turn out just like any other year, but something unexpectable happened. And it changed everything, indeed. Everything is different. I'm different. Darkness and the cold, rainy weather outside does not bring any thoughts of winter, but it does not matter. My mind is empty. Everything has changed, and I thought this would never happen to me. And I'm not complaining. There's nothing to write. I let the darkness and the loneliness embrace me once again. I think of her, my beautiful friend. A happy thought makes me smile a bit. I wish all the best for you all..love and peace...beautiful holidays...because sometimes there can be moments when you think that everything is over and there is no reason to go on anymore. I might be wrong, but it seems that if you can hold on, there, after all, will be love in the end, and nothing but love...

Starlight

As I sit and think of what is about to come, I just have to wonder if everything is turning upside down. I am bit afraid, I have to admit, because I think of all the damage I have done to myself during the year that has passed. Because of my depression I have distanced myself from all the people I know, and I how pretty much ruined future ahead, and now I am not sure whether I'll be able to make things ok again. I have let myself drown so deep I don't know if it is possible to get back up again. I really don't know what to expect anymore. All this seems so surreal I can't believe it. I'm so confused.

Right now I'm floating somewehere in the air, surrounded by emptiness and loneliness. But her messages have brought something different to the moment. "I read your letters, to feel better; my tears upon the fading ink." I wish I can pull myself together and face the week that's coming. All the plans and the thoughts which are on the air are making me so anxious but I want to try to overcome the anxiety. This is too strange. I can't find the words to express the feelings I'm going through at the moment.

I've cherished some memories tonight. The darkness of the room reminds me of my past, and I travel through time to see where I had gone wrong, but I can't find it. So I find myself thinking of her on my couch. Once again I'm alone, sitting in my apartment, not beeing able to define the moment. I look through the window and watch the dark sky. Somewhere in the distance I see a glimpse of the starlight I used to chase so many years ago. I wonder if it is still worth it. I wonder if I had finally found it, or if I'm soon going to find it. There's not much to say, though. I don't know what to do, so I let myself drown in dreams again...

Darkness

Things that have happened recently have really changed me. It's hard to believe that all that actually has happened. I sit alone in my room and gaze the dark night I see through the window. I have not done that for a while now, but tonight is dedicated to the memories of the past times. The darkness of the late autumn covers everything, and the coming winter has given its first signs. It will not take that long anymore until the winter will take over and let its gentle, cold breeze wipe over. The sight I see behind the window is still the same it was a couple of weeks ago, but something inside me has changed. All the worlds' darkness and misery can't bring me down right now. Loneliness and emptiness, my beloved old companions, greet me once again and embrace me gently as I sit on my couch and try not to think of the worries of the week. I have not been with you, my dear old friends, for a while now, but I have not completely forgotten you. There is so much misery inside me that it can't be taken away very quickly, but I promise I'll try to make the best out of the time that's left. Right now I don't think my original thought will carry on, though. And I owe it all to you, my dark haired friend. To you who are so far from me right now. But I don't care as long as I can still see you in the future.

Sometimes something very surprising can actually happen. There was a time when I had lost all hope, but now I wonder whether I'd be ready to start to believe again, after such a long time without faith, without a sight of hope. It's funny that it really does not take that much to be able to have faith again. I'm bit upset that I write such a positive rubbish, though. All these changes just have made to change my perspective on things. I should not be writing at all because everything I write at the moment is nonsense. But it has been that for a very long time now. I'm not sure whether I have written even one sensible post. Maybe it was not such a good idea to start to write after all. I just needed a place to express myself so badly that I felt compelled to do that. I had such a great plan and now I'm not sure whether I'll be able to follow it. Well, maybe that is not so bad. Maybe things will turn out better this way, after all.

Dear darkness, my beloved friend, let's travel to the end of the night. Tonight I don't want to see anything else but you. Tonight it is just you, dear darkness, me, and my old friends, emptiness and loneliness. Maybe this will be our last journey together. Or maybe this is just one of the many along the way. I don't know and, frankly, I don't care. I have been here so many times before. I want to change but it does not matter if nothing happens after all. Now I have had the most beautiful moments of my life, and they are something I can cherish with you, dear darkness. Our journey to the end of the night begins. I see darkness, with my eyes wide open...

Waiting

Memories of last weekend still embraces me. I sit alone in my apartment but something is different. Something has changed. Something has happened. I try to stay calm, but I feel as if the purpose of writing these posts has lost its meaning somewhat. I can't believe it. No, it can't heppen to me. As if I have found something that I thought I had lost forever. I see the autumn sun and the beautiful trees in all of their colors, and I wonder. The world is the same it was three months ago, but somehow it looks different now. I just can't point out what. It seems as if there is not any particular detail that has changed.  I sit down and try to relax for a while. No matter what will happen, come what may, I have at least had one moment to cherish.

I can't say it aloud because I am afraid I will loose it. My mind wonders somewhere detached from myself. I can't find the words to describe the moment. I am waiting. My hands tremble as I pick up my guitar and try to play something. My beloved instruments, my guitar and my piano, you have been there for me during all these times, and now I want to thank you for that. My beloved loneliness, I'll never forget the times we spent together, but I hope the time has come for us to part. I let the moment flow through me.

I'm still waiting, but the moments I have to wait are not bad. Everything seems so simple right now. God, am I really this optimistic? Well, I don't what to think that now. There will be days for worrying and misery, but let this day be only for the beauty of the waiting. I lie down and think of the lyrics of Nick Cave: "I think of you in motion and just how close you are getting, and how every little thing anticipates you; All down my veins my heart-strings call; are you the one that I've been waiting for?"

The Unknown

I sit alone in my apartment as the stillness of the noon embraces me. The trails of the night have vanished and I am somewhere between sleep and being awake. The loneliness of the moment feels so familiar, but the not-too-distant-future unfolds in the front of my eyes. The Unknown is ahead. All my life, as long as I can remember, I have known what is going to happen. And the future has always been filled with pain, misery and loneliness. And so I have waited, trying to avoid all the failures and misfortunes that have, nonetheless, faced me. So until now I have been so blind because of the loneliness that has been my only firend. Loneliness is such a dear but oh such a demanding lover. It allows you to see no one else. So you, my beloved unknown friend, have came onto my path. The possibilites of being, the other, and the negation all entwine into something I cannot define. Without the other, being-there is without a meaning. For the first time in my life I feel like my lonely existence could turn into something else. But I cannot expect anything. I know it's over; I know it's too late to try anymore. So all I ask of you is to be who you are and let the being-there of yourself, the other, intrude my lonely existence. Without a word, without a care. I want to be something else just for the night. To feel the touch of the other. To forgive. Myself.

"Don't get any big ideas; they're not gonna happen"

"So lovely was the loneliness"

I want to look to the coming open as the air above. The grey, windy, and rainy autumn day greets me with all of its colors, with all of its cool, gray air. And I say "Hi, my beloved day, I'm so glad you came, although I*m quite confused." The time has gone so fast. I have completely lost the track. Summer has long been gone, and soon the beautiful autumn will change into the beautiful winter. I count the days ahead. There are still too many of them left. I wish I could call this off already and leave all this behind, but there just is still too much to do before I can go. But for tonight I want to forget all my past and the future that will not come. I just want to have this one night. I don't know what will happen. Everything looks so different right now, as if something's changed. But I know nothing has. Tomorrow I can wake up, knowing that I did what I was supposed to do, but it did not change anything. Alone as ever. "There was nothing to fear, nothing to doubt..."

Piano

As I look outside through the window I see how dark it actually is. Autumn is here, and I am waiting for it to take over the nature. Colors are already giving shape to the world but soon they will burst out in all of their beauty and glory. I feel like waiting for something. I'm reliefed that the season has gone as well as it has and that the time that has passed has not brought me down. I'm thinking of the time that's still ahead. I wish I somehow could define the moment but the emptiness blurs my vision. The darkness really is everywhere and it covers the essence of the moment. I try to transcend the reality. Existence-essence, real-potential, appereance-reality; the dialectics of what is perceived. I am somewhere in the middle of the flow of the being-there, not really understanding the flash of the moment of the not-yet and not-anymore. I'm too tired, once again, to make sense.

I'm glad that things have recently turned out not as bad as they could have. So far so good, I guess. I know I should be aware of the dangers of optimism but I just want for a moment to feel like all would not be lost. Hence, anxiously I look to the unknown future, not knowing of what lies ahead. I'm afraid that everything will once again come tumbling down. But this lazy night just won't be dedicated to misery. I'm alone, though. I see a darkness. I wonder if I could turn the light on. September has passed, as have eight years. It has really been eight years since I started to write my thoughts down. Eight years of loneliness, emptiness, and misery. Eight years of writing. Eight years and nothing has happened. Or to put it in another words; eight years and I have not done anything, have not accomplished anything. All this aside, I'm glad that you have returned my dark haired friend. The misery of the world is less painful now that I can share it with you. Thank you.

I have not been writing recently. I have been thinking. I've tried to sort out my way home. I have not found the answers yet but for the first time in God knows how long time I finally feel like I could find them before the time finally comes, and I will leave all this behind. I take a look at my piano that stands alone by the wall. I press the keys and listen to the sound they make. I sit by the piano and gently play a simple song. I feel the melody flowing through me. A sad little tune for the dark, lonely night. I sit back on my couch...and think of her...

Wake me up when September ends

Beginning of a new season. The situation feels the same but somehing is different. Has it really been that long? I think, as my thoughts drift far away to the past, going through all the memories I can recollect while sitting at the place I've sat for so many times before during the recent weeks. But I don't want to go there now. Recent times have taught me a lot. I have went through so much that I actually feel as if I have grown. I think the hardest part of my job is something I can manage after all. Or then not, what was it about positive thinking again. Oh yes, always think of the worst. Well, there's no need to be depressed right now. I'm just so tired because of the lack of sleep. All the same, all the same...been there done that...

Trees around
A life unbound
A moment quiet and still
Nothing to do
But thinking of you
While getting over hill
Summer's last night
A speechless goodbye
Thinking of you
'cause that's something to do

Another poem, huh. I know I should not be writing them. I gaze through the window. The view is still that of summer, but the twilight I cherish reminds me of the beginning fall. September comes and brings the unknown future with it. Although I'm not particularly thrilled about the new month, I can't help but being so very reliefed that the miserable last month is over. I have too much to do. I'm tired and busy and my thoughts won't, once again, seem to flow smoothly. Weird twists of words, I know. Better to make it short, then. I just want to fall a sleep and have beautiful dreams....

August of misery

It goes and it goes. Darkness all around me. My altruistic thoughts have not vanished, although my optimism has. Everything has gone wrong. Lesson learned: never be positive, always think of the worst. I just wish this would be over soon. Too many failures and adversaries have faced me during the past month, which has pulled me very low. Crimson line in the horizon reminds me of the precious moment. I need to do this because at the moment it is all I have. Hold on, for a minute there I lost myself. Phew. Feel like heard that before, huh? Anxious moment passes me. Where have all my thought gone? Why I can't seem to find the way? There's too many questions but, once again, not a single answer.

Useless items on my desk
Not a single word to be found
Need to feed myself
Need to kill the pain
Darkness embraces
the love of the solitude
No reason, no rhyme
Just killing time

Well, I have never been a poet. I have tried, though. I did my best, and I failed miserably. Lesson learned: never try. Well that's not true, right. It just seems so hard to find a point in trying after failing so many times. But I'll keep going for now. The light of the August will long remain in my memory. I just really hope this damn August of misery would end soon. I wish I could bury all the misery that's come with it. And I wish I finally could close my eyes. Is it time to go to sleep yet? Well not yet. So I decide to sit back and watch as the darkness falls over the sky...

To forgive

All that has happened recently in my life and in the world in general has once again made me to think about humanity. As hard as I try I just can't understand the persistent competition and struggle that seems to be going on. People everywhere try to overcome the other, to show that they are better than the other. This leads to the continuous urge to maximize the profits as quickly as possible. And hence all the problems there are. Humanity is sickness. Why? It should not be that. People should be happy of the simple realization of their existence. Happiness should come from the feeling of being. People should simply sit by a river and see the air above, the ground beneath, flying birds and growing flowers. We should realize the bliss of being alone and of being alone together with the other. We should simply see the beauty we are blessed with. We should see the beauty of being, beauty that continuously flows around us. There is so much beauty in the world, but people have turned it into ugliness by their greed and desire to be above everything else. And the other is always to blame. Fault is never in the self. The simple fact, however, is that it is me and no one else who is to blame. I alone am completely responsible of everything and everyone. I owe it all to you because without you there would be no meaning in my existence. I would simply be without existing. When do we realize that the way to happiness is much more simple than we believe. All we need to do is to want less, be happy with less, to have respect for the other, and to realize that is not about winning and it never was. I have been chasing for that something for so long now that I have forgotten what life is all about. And now, as I am counting the days, I finally see how simple it actually was. And now it is too late.All is lost. Some of the recent accidents I have faced actually were out of my control, but I don't want to complain anymore. I have been angry because of everything that has happened of which I have been completely innocent. But I have learned to accept it now. I am not in terms with myself yet, but I hope I will find the way to make ends meet before my time finally comes, and it is coming. All the time. I can feel it. There are yet too many days to go, but I have found the way to get through them. I just have not found the way to forgive myself yet. To forgive. I forgive the humanity. Now I have no hard feelings with anybody anymore. I forgive you. The day we start to put the other before our immediate needs is the day the world will go towards a better direction. Will that day ever come? I think it won't. There is no need to loose all faith yet, however.

Last days of summer are at hands. It is already dark. No shades, no beautiful colours of the setting sun. Just simple darkness that embraces me. Though I have forgiven the most recent misery that's been given to me, I'm still bit upset of having to stay at home yet for another night. Eventually, however, there will be another night. I'm still not able to close my eyes but I have learned to live with that too. I just wish that you, my beloved transcendental reader, will learn to see and appreciate the beauty you have in your life. Appreciate and cherish the being, and have all the respect for the love you possibly have in your life. There is no love in my life, and there never was. Once I was angry but not anymore. Despite all that my days are numbered. I can't believe that soon one summer has once again come to pass. I can't believe how many seasons I have seen already. The thing to remeber of this summer is the moment of sitting on my couch, embraced by solitude and darkness, my precious companions, and thinking while wathing the dance of the colours of the sky. I also remeber her beautiful face. "I forgive you the fact that you have not been the friend to me that I have probably been to you. It does not matter anymore. I reached out for a hand that was taken away from me, but all that is in the past now. I wish you understand how much I cherish your every word." With great confusion I sit back on my couch and cherish the loneliness...little worries of lost time rush through my mind...I try to define the beauty of the darkness of the room...  

Shades of gray

Every now and then there comes a time when it is just so difficult to express thoughts with words. Long time passes by without any words. Empty page keeps staring back at me while I struggle trying to define the moment. I'm so tried. I just wish I could close my eyes, for I have not been able to do that for a while now. I look out through the window and think about the summer that has turned towards its end. "There is still time", I say to myself. Nothing has happened. I have not been able to change. Memories from two years ago fill my mind, for some reason. Little things bring joy to my life. "I really wish I'm the only one in this country to have that shirt, you know. That's one of the reasons why I ordered that." Then the reality hits me once again, trying to bring me down. And the anxiety strikes me every morning reflecting itself from the mirror. "Rain down on me; I'm only happy when it rains." "I'm so glad that I can write to you again." I just wish I could close my eyes, just for a short little while. I hope this waiting is coming to its end. Next weekend I'll be back on the track. "You know, you look so fine; you're taking me over." I just wish I could close my eyes. Some say that depression kills creativity, while other say creativity can come out of depression. I don't know which one is right. I think it depends on the moment. Otherwise things have gone surprisingly well, and I'm prepared for the hard times to come. In some kind of a freaky way it has been nice to see the changes of the sky through the window during the summer. Colours of the sky and the sun above the field on the other side of the road have truly been inspirational during these weeks of boredom and agony. They have made these evenings into something beautiful, almost poetic some could say. And all the shades of gray surround me while I think about the time to still come. Last period of a season has begun. I just wish I could close my eyes. Next week, perhaps... I'm writing this simply to get something done.  

Paintings of the sun

To know and not to know. I feel like I have been here so many times before. Being stunned once again by the things left undone. Something new in the day, too. Saying goodbye to a friend who really does not know that much about me but who nonetheless has been the closest person to me during the past months. I remeber times when I wondered alone in the dark searching for that something. A hand reached out for me but was pulled away just when I was getting close to it. Hollow memories. Beautiful images. Blurry thoughts. Surroundings of the evening and a life that flows ahead on its own. Sun that is about to go to sleep paints a dark yellow sky that goes perfectly together with the heavy, warm evening of the last weekend of the july. The air of the room gets a smokey tone and all the shapes and figures seem to loose their purpose for a short while. Shades everywhere. I rember the love that was never there but what was coming all the time. Nothingness at the heart of my being has once again directed my thoughts. Togetherness, hope, love. Loneliness, desperation, emptiness.  

I think about the convesations I had at the cafeteria with a person I knew but yet did not knew. Seen her too many times at the corridors. Learned to know her face and her smile. It must have taken a lots of courage of her to come to sit with me. I admire the kindness of her heart. My heart is too afraid. Afraid of being left alone. Afraid of failure. To have and to have not. All the sadness and the miseries of recent times have made me to cherish the peace I have. To be grateful of what there is instead of being sad because of all that there is not. I wish I had the strenght to be a better person. And still, despite everything, I let myself to drown into the solitude and emptiness which still, after all these years, are with me. They will never left me. My precious companions. Alone. Something is still missing.

A sad tune. A reply that will never come. Waiting for something, but not knowing what. Silence. The shape of the moment. Too many days behind already. Too many seasons that have changed without a purpose. A love for each and every one living soul in the world. A love that has gone wasted. Words that, once again, don't make much sense. A cycle of life. Saturdays are the loneliest days of the week. Thinking about the years gone. Four years ago I sat exactly at the same situation. three years ago things were different. I, however, was alone even if I was not alone. To realize that nothing has changed. I close my and go to sleep...after a couple of hours...

Sleepless nights

Surreal. I see figures that don't make any sense. I feel a heavy wave sweeping over me. The darkness falls all over the place and I feel how I'm floating slowly to the floor. I can't move. Helplessly I watch as the figures move around me. I can't hear what they are saying. I'm numb and sore. My head spins. The darkness and the heavy pressure of emptiness surround me. I am in a place I cannot recognize. Dream and reality intertwine. The pain gets insurmountable. Am I being punished? Is this the punishment I get for wasting my life, for not appreciating it enough? Is this the punishment I get for not making all the efforts I was supposed to, for not putting myself at stake? Is this the punishment I get for all the wasted days? There are too many questions but not a single answer. I loose my senses, and for a minute there I think I loose myself.

As long as I can remember I have had difficulties sleeping, but never before have I faced such a terrible and long period of insomnia as the one I am going through now. I can't make any sense to the situation. I don't feel tired yet; I feel very weird. However, I think that soon this is going to turn into a complete exhaustion. Sad image in the mirror faces the morning. The dark circles around my eyes are getting all the shades of black. The quiet streets of the early morning greet me as I walk to the train station. Stillness of the morning comforts me. I feel anguish. I stare at the screen. I get nothing done at work. I'm afraid of the coming night although there is still the whole day to go before it comes. My mind is empty. Nothing good can come out of this.

A City Walk

A bright morning greets me after a sleepless night. I spent the morning doing nothing. It seems to be one of the sunniest, hottest, and most beautiful days of the summer, so I decide to go for a walk in the city. I just don't seem to have anything better to do. It is so stressful to be on a vacation. And I should not even take any days off anyhow because all the days I'm not working will delay the final day. Maybe I'm just making excuses to buy some time. I don't know. Nevertheless, the streets are calling me.

And the day is beautiful, indeed. I take the train to the centre. The city is filled with life in the sunny, early afternoon as I walk amongst the people. I wonder what all these people are doing and where they are going. Many seems to be on a vacation, and others are probably going to work or somewhere else. Some of them seem quite busy, whereas others seem relaxed. I watch all the stores filled with people, I look at the traffic and I see the cars go by in the filled streets with little room to move. I enjoy the intensity of the centre but I feel like getting somewhere where it is more peaceful so I take the road to the beach.

There are lots of people at the beach but not as much as I expected there to be. I walk upon the small road that goes by the beach without however entering it, so I can be away from the people. Some of the people are just lying and some of them are playing some sorts of sports. I have never really liked the beach. I cherish the shade the trees around the street provide me. The shade makes me feel a bit cooler and keeps the sunshine away for a while. As I enter the open area of the parking lot the heat strikes me once again. The pressure of the hot sun and the clear blue sky makes me hot and tired. I know I'm over dressed for the occasion. Well, that does not bother me. I try not to pay attention to the heat and head for the small road that leads me to the boat shore.

The boat shore is a peaceful and quite place. I like the fact that there are lots of shades there. The coolnes and the warmth seem to be in a balance. Few people pass me by. They seem to be on a walk ljust ike me. There are also few people lying at the small park areas on the side. I see how the streets line the street and the parks, creating a beautiful small area just on the side of the centre of the city. The place is not at the centre but also not too far away from it. I walk the long narrow street to its end and arrive at the cross roads. The sky opens up clear and blue and the hot weather of the summer reveals itself to me as I decide to take a road leaading me bak to the center.

Beautiful old stone buildings surround the street. Here there are much more people and traffic than on the small road I walked previously. I see the sun shining between the branches of the trees at the side of the street. The builindgs create a comforting atmosphere and I feel like not going back yet. My walk, however, is coming to its close whether I liked it or not. I accept the fact that I need to go back but I decide to make my walk a bit longer by taking a detour back to the centre.

I enter the main street. It is very large, long road leading straight to the centre. Now the traffic is really intense and there are lots of people walking round and around. Some of them are buying ice cream at the small boutiges by the street, and some seem to be going for a picnic at the big parks ahead, while still others are just more or less busy with their daily routines. I walk through the large park areas. I look at the pretty young couples sitting together holding hands. They are so cute I want to cry. I wonder what it would have been like to just sit together with someone, holding hands without a care of the day to come. Simply spendig time outside. Together. Together alone, feeling like the rest of the world was superfluous. A very attractive girl passes me by. Her hair is black and she seems to be somewhat distracted. Our eyes meet for a very short gaze. I drown into her eyes. I wonder who she is and where is she going. She is so beautiful I feel like dying. Her presence makes me want to live. Her hair makes me dream of summer nights by her side, holding hands, wasting time with no particular reason. I dream about being by her side with nothing else to do than to be and experience the sense of existence and otherness. I fall in love with her. Actually, I fall in love with practically every third person who passes me by. Two girls ride on a bicycle. Their ride seems pretty hazardous and they almost hit me. Girl on the back looks at me as they pass me by. The way her hair lines her face makes me think about my youth and her eyes make me dream once again about togetherness. I walk the rest of the travel being haunted by the memories of the many beautiful eyes I saw on my way, but particuarly I dream of the girl with the black hair.

I come back to the centre again. I walk amongst the busy people and I wonder if I should go back home already. Before going home I decide to make one last detour. I walk to the Cathedral and sit on the stairs. I sit at the stairs and watch the people below. I see the happy couples walking together, I see the tourists taking pictures, I see the common people spending time. After a short sit it finally seems to be the time to go home. The train is very hot and uncomfortable. I try to cover the window so that the sun would not shine at my face. I press my head against the window and think of the day.

Home again. Nothing to do. I managed to spent most of the day walking. I feel tired. I can't really think of anything to do so I simply sit on the couch. Behind the curtains on the windows of my small apartment the day is still hot, bright and sunny. I'm so numb I can't think of doing anything special. Can it really take two more years before I can leave this all behind, I wonder. I'm not sure whether I'll make it. I lie down. I close my eyes and think of the black haired beautiful girl I saw on my walk...

Stuck in a rot

It is amazing how bad a person can mess eveything up. Thinking back now it is absolutely terrifying to realize all the lost opportunities and failed chances. And it is even more terrifying to realize that one cannot blame anyone else but oneself. The mirror reveals my guilt, and I still have to say this to you my reflection, that after all the wrong things you have done still seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. But most terrifying of all is the fact that as I sit here once again alone, watching as a beautiful summer day is coming to its end, watching how all the beauty of the world has opened up and closed again, I'm still looking back instead of ahead. All my past and future have intertwined into complete self-pity and agony. The past strangles me whereas the future frightens me. At the moment it seems too hard to get all those things done I was suppsed to before my time to make the final exit comes. The fear of failure makes me numb again. My beloved emptiness and loneliness are still with me. I wonder what life could be like without you two. Together we have got this far, and maybe together we will reach the end. And the end will come, although the numbered days left seem endless right now. And the darkening summer night gives me a moment to myself. And my thoughts fly away for a while, they fly to the distant shores and rooms somewhere out there in the warm night, more or less far away from the little spot I sit at, thinking about the past and the future. And for a short while my thoughts go to you my firends. Through the skies and the hollow clouds. Through the air that still is warm but getting cooler. And the gentle wind greets me as I fly with my thoughts to you my friends I seem to have lost.

"I am so sorry my dear friend. I wish I could explain it all to you. I never meant to hurt you and I hope that you understand why it came to this." I can already feel the anxiety of the coming weeks. And I still think of my my pretty friend whose name I do not know. It's funny how you did not remeber me although you called me the other day. Well, I guess one can forget a phone call. You voice and smile still remind me of the easiness of the night. And I'm still thinking of you who used to laugh at me at the cafeteria. I just would have wanted to know. I'm so sorry I'm so weak. And your eyes remind me of the beautiful anticipation and the lightness of the morning. Most of all, however, I think of you my very dear friend whom I had to let go. Now I wish I had not done that. And your dark hair and trembling hands remind me of the fragile beauty of the world. And your words of self-annihilation remind my of the beauty of the sadness we shared.

And back again in my little room. The flight across the dark blue skies was not that long after all. And once again I sit alone thinking. And once again I loose my nerves. And once again I surrender to my desperation. And once again I sing myself a song to keep me warm. And once again I realize the emptiness I have. I take a careful look outside and see the night falling over the meadows across the street. Few cars still roll by. The night is beautiful anyhow. Together with the lonely cool summer night breeze we, the lonely creatures of night, greet the world of tomorrow. I never understand why I keep wasting these beautiful, blessed nights of summer. So much beauty goes a waste. I cannot realize the temporality of the space. My existence is still without a meaning. Sad tunes signal me of what is to come. Night is coming. A night just like any other night. I think I'm stuck in a rot.

Still morning and some other pointless thoughts

Sometimes I really love these slow, boring sunday mornings with nothing to do. Memories of the mid summer fest are slowly fading into the background. I think of the people I have lost during the last week. I think of the last night I spent sleeping, and hence missed the call I was waiting for, feeling at the same time both terrified and excited. My actions do not make any sense anymore. In fact, they have not made any sense to me for a while now. But I just do not want to think about that now. So instead of making myself nervous worrying about the irrationality of my existence I decide to let it all be for a while and just to sit back and let myself drown into the nothingness of the moment. Words create the shape of the moment. And after everything is said, the rest is silence. And it is the silence and the emptiness I once again cherish here at my small apartment. I don't want to think about tomrrow now. There will be a time for that, but that time just is not right now.

I think of her I met the other night. I think how her youth made me feel so alive. I had not felt that way in a very long time. And I remembered all the time I had wasted. I was thinking about those wasted, lost years I spent searching for the purpose of existence. And her voice made it all look so insignificant. But I knew at the same time that it wouldn't make any difference. "You and I, my friend, are from so very different worlds." 

And I think of her who keeps laughing at me at the cafeteria. I want to know who you are and why do you laugh at me. I keep seeing your face every time I close my eyes. And your smile and your beautiful eyes reveal my weakness to me, as I'm dying to know your name. And I know you are laughing at me. It is not just in my head. It has to be true. I think of the one chance I had but which I blew. I simply asked for just a one chance, and I had it, and I blew it.  And there probably will be no second chance. And I feel so determined to make my next irrational move the next time I see you, but at the same time I'm worried because I know there is a possibility I whimp out. So I find myself worrying once again. So much for taking it easy, I guess.

My mind is so empty at the moment. There seems to be no writing there, no letters for the day. The still moment carries me on to face the slow day I have to manage before the new beginning arrives. I would not want to feel this way because I know the failure that will follow will once again bring me down. The moment is so very difficult to define. There are no words to describe it with. These pointless thoughts just don't make any sense...

Thoughts of a Summer evening

Emptiness embraces me once again. In this solitude it is impossible to be for the other since the other it somewhere out of reach, somewhere beyond my solitary existance I cannot escape. I'm trapped within the angst that takes my breath away and reveals the end of the line to me. It's funny that when people are in love they can't speak of anything else besides their feelings and emotions of love. Their whole world and existence within it is captured by the coming of the other who is never present in the world where everything is present. The coming-to-be has captured the existence of the being-in-love, and it seems that the experience of being in love is something that makes one experience the totality of the existence without even realizing it. It's funny and sad at the same time. It's funny because I can't understand how one emotion can be so completely capturing, and it's sad because I know I never get to experience it. If it is the other that brings temporality and meaning into the life of the self, my existence is pointless.

Meanwhile, the night has started to slowly fall upon the day. It's still so bright outside, but one can see the twilight slowly starting to take over, even if it is still going to take a couple of hours. I wonder if I am one with the change of the time. The moment makes the day turn into night in this slow and fragmentary process, just as it makes me take one step further into the darkness of my lonely journey to the end of the road. A life without a purpose. A life without the experience of the other. Complete solitude makes one temporarily forget the trivialities of life on which one needs to cling in order to make some sense into this miserable path of failures and misfortunes. But then, without a warning, without a caution of its coming, it strikes once again with all of its fury and strenght. And desperation and anxiety will come with their pleasant personalities and be my company till the end of the night. Silence. The perfect sound of the world out there. Loneliness. The perfect being of the one not knowing how to live.

Once again I thought I might have found the one thing that could have taken me safely to home and carried me through the day. And once again, I failed. Disappointment after another. To be alone does not terrify me. The false glimpse of hope of not being alone terrifies me, because after it the loneliness feels a million times harder. The safety and the security are gone. And all that is left is the insecurity and the desperate longing for that something that's never there.

It's weird but the summer seems like a delight to me. I have not felt like this in ages. And I think of you, my friend who has forgotten me, and I say: "My beloved friend I wish I could have trusted you. After everything is said, there is nothing, it seems. All the words are used and I could not be the one you wanted me to be, and the rest is silence. Silence of the lonely night I am once again about to face." I get it, you are in love...I hope there's some of it for the rest of the world too...Carry on with all of your beauty..just leave me something to remeber you by...

I spent the morning drinking black coffee and lying on my couch, staring at the roof and struggling in the dialectic of hope and despair. There cannot be a state of mind without the opposition, I wonder. Life would be so much easier without the despair that follows from the hopeless hope I have. The room reminds me of the emptiness of my life, and the little pain I get from spilling the hot coffee on my chest reminds me of the pain that tears my heart when I try to not to think about her. Closing my eyes makes the pain disappear for a moment. And everything around me entwines in a perfect harmony just to shatter into little pieces. And the pieces fall to the floor and there is no hope of getting them all up and back together again. I open my eyes and realize the reality. Mourning of the morning embraces me, and the sun of the passing noon greets me with all the brightness of the world.

The poles of human existence pull me to different directions, and I wonder whether the justice of emancipation is just a vague coming spot somewhere in between that can be arbitrarily pointed, simply because it can be pointed. And I notice that my thoughts do not make any sense anymore, so I decide to stop thinking. I put some music on and try to let my futile hopes be. I wonder what the day will bring. I cherish the darkness and the solitude of my room, while the day is getting brighter behind the curtains. I bring the cup up to my lips to notice that it`s getting empty. I need more coffee. The morning passes in a fine frenzy. I think I`m getting old.

Last rays of the sun of the early spring

The spring is own its way. I can see it and feel it in everywhere I look and in everyting I do. One third of the new year has passed and nothing have changed. Still I look at the world through the mist of sadness and loneliness, and the beauty of the waking nature seems so faint that I almost cry for letting it pass me so carelessly. No matter how much I try to love I always end up alone with the misery and anxiety that have been there for so long now that it has become hard to even remember times without them. At certain moments there is the serenity that makes me forget everything around me and sends me on my way into the unknown. Sometimes I even look into the future with the hope that I can find that something I have been looking for all these years. And then when I enter the reality again it seems so difficult to look for it because sometimes I`m not quite sure if I even know what it is that I am looking for. "Sometimes our secrets are all we got." (N.C.) Sometimes I wish I could sit together with someone and confess all my secrets, because if my secrets make me the one I am, no one really knows me. And sometimes it gets so alone when no one knows me, not even those who think that they know me. Hardest part is to admit the failures you have done and face the truth. All alone, with only misery and sadness in your heart. With the pain of knowing that you have hurt so many people unintentionally. I wish I could tell her how sorry I really am, but I guess it`s too late for that now.

As I sit and think alone in my small apartment, the nature grows around me in all of the brightness and beauty of the early spring. The sun shines through the weak clouds and occasionally sends its helloes to the earth below, where I sit alone and try to let then sun know that I never turned my back on it. The evening sun of the early spring is getting tired and preparing to go to sleep. I`ve always loved winter, but today the coming of the spring sends me the first hints of the summer ahead, and I can`t help but wonder if I`m getting old or tired, but the summer feels both trivial and fascinating at the same time. I know I have already lost it. Right now I`m not even thinking about finding the way, but the conflicts I`ve felt recently leave me speechless. I`m so sorry that it is so hard for me to express my feelings. I`m getting drunk...there`s still so much to do...I love all of you who do not know me....

Just another day...

I`m sitting and waiting for a reply that most likely will never come. The excitement of anticipation has vanished, it seems, and I watch as the warm spring sun shines bright from the sky without being able to define the moment or my thoughts of it. The world stands still while my thoughts drift somewhere in the beautiful fields of another world, a world where I can feel complete and my loneliness and feelings of failure have disappeared. I wonder if that something that I have been searching for all these years is somewhere out there and I should finally get myself together and start the search again. Last time I failed. Maybe this time will be different. I think I have enough wasted years to share. Maybe these last moments should be something else. I close my eyes as my dream lover gently caresses my hair. And I`m waiting for another day to pass...Oh when will I ever learn...

waiting

For the first time in ages I`m excited about something. I guess it really does not matter that I know that in the end it will go wrong and I`ll end up hurt and in misery. I really don`t understand why I let these things get on to me. The night is coming. All I see is something else at the moment because....well...it gets me...There`s still too much time. I don`t kow how to deal with all this. I know my excitement and anticipation will end in desperation and loneliness...and in misery....nothing gets right now....welcome to emptiness...

The flow

...just one look into those eyes and everything seems so different. It`s the warmth that shines from the blue, and the kindness in the shades. I can`t help but stare into them, and the feeling I get is something else. It`s funny how such a small thing can make such a diffirence even though everything else seems so indifferent. In the end, however, she is always so far although she is only a few feet away. Out of reach. Meanwhile, I keep messing things up. It`s odd how I always manage to spoil everything, and the excitement of the anticipation turns into desperation...once again...why bother, then...

sets

I`m waiting. For nothing. It`s funny how fast the time runs away. And absolute nothingness embraces me as I sit and watch the world flowing somewhere in the distance. One of the weeks I have watched with great terror from the past is finally awaiting the curtain to fall so that it can spread its angst all over me. As if I did not have it enough already. Not that much in my head now. No thoughts, no words, no dreams. Waiting for the night to come. And the night will be so very dark when it finally sets...

slow nights

Sitting and waiting for nothing. No matter how hard I try I think I`ll never understand the meaning of being. Day after day I keep finding out how people are inclined to ignore me. Not that it matters, though. Soon they can ignore me for ever. It is difficult to say whether I should keep going as usual or just cut all the strings attached and vanish into the emptiness because after all it really does not make that much difference. After all the atrocities that are going on in the world I think my existence is so meaningless and trivial that I really should not be bothered by it. I`m nothing; my misery is nothing. My life is without a point but at least I have one. Well, once again another paradox I`ll never figure out. I just don`t seem to get it...

Lightness of the day

After giving up the whole world seems kind of different. People wander in the dining room so insignificantly that it is hard to realize my being there. A friend sits at my table. He is so enthuastic about the things he is about to do that I don`t know how to respond. It is so hard to act as if something matters, when nothing really makes any difference anymore. So I keep smiling and nodding my head. I can`t tell of my real thoughts because I don`t want to hurt anybody. Sometimes I feel like wanting to drown away with my loneliness. But that has got to wait for I still have some work to do. Apathy. Unbearable anxiety. Paradox of being. I look at the people around me. I`m there though nobody notices me. A gaze through the window. Books lie on my desk as they always have. In sloping piles.

First day of the last days

"When I am at the pearly gates, this will be on my videotape"

Nobody will read this. No one has any reason to. Yet I`m writing this anyway. I`m nobody. I`m somebody. I`m someone who passes you by on the street in the morning. I watch the people in the safety of the darkness of the morning, while they are half asleep going to work. Just as I am. Many thing differs me from everybody else. One thing is clear, though. I have finally realized the mistakes I`ve made in the past, and at where they have led me. The future opens itself clear to me. For the first time in my miserable life I know what I am doing. There are not that many days left for me anymore. During my last days I have decided to put my thoughts on writing so there`ll be something to remember me by when I`m gone. I`m alone now, and I will be alone when I leave. Nobody will notice my leaving, just as nobody notices my existance at the moment. Loneliness have always been my only friend and it will be it till the end. I have never wanted to make a big scene of myself. So these writings will be the only theatrical thing I`ll do now or ever. Writing is one of the rare things I have enjoyed. So in writing I will express my last days. I can`t really give any reasons for it. Maybe it`s like Camus put it: "one could not die without having confessed all one`s lies." And since I don`t have anyone to confess to, may it be you my transcendental reader. 

Night is falling. I look at the walls of my apartment. They are as they`ve always been but something`s different. It`s maybe in the way I look at them. The end is the beginning. I see the dark sky from my huge window through which I have gazed the world during the last couple of years. I see my furniture. They can`t create a home for me. Home. I never found you. I didn`t find myself till it was too late. The fact that I exist or my thoughts of it do not give me any purpose to keep looking. A flash between what has been and what is yet to come. Moment between the "not anymore" and "later". Anxiety. The night embraces me. Those who come out at night are awaking. The city awaits. It`s hard to believe I have finally opened the last door. I sit at my computer. Nothing or no one will miss me, and I will miss othing or no one. I walk on the path of the days to come. Alone as ever. At the graveyard of my lost dreams.