Starlight

As I sit and think of what is about to come, I just have to wonder if everything is turning upside down. I am bit afraid, I have to admit, because I think of all the damage I have done to myself during the year that has passed. Because of my depression I have distanced myself from all the people I know, and I how pretty much ruined future ahead, and now I am not sure whether I'll be able to make things ok again. I have let myself drown so deep I don't know if it is possible to get back up again. I really don't know what to expect anymore. All this seems so surreal I can't believe it. I'm so confused.

Right now I'm floating somewehere in the air, surrounded by emptiness and loneliness. But her messages have brought something different to the moment. "I read your letters, to feel better; my tears upon the fading ink." I wish I can pull myself together and face the week that's coming. All the plans and the thoughts which are on the air are making me so anxious but I want to try to overcome the anxiety. This is too strange. I can't find the words to express the feelings I'm going through at the moment.

I've cherished some memories tonight. The darkness of the room reminds me of my past, and I travel through time to see where I had gone wrong, but I can't find it. So I find myself thinking of her on my couch. Once again I'm alone, sitting in my apartment, not beeing able to define the moment. I look through the window and watch the dark sky. Somewhere in the distance I see a glimpse of the starlight I used to chase so many years ago. I wonder if it is still worth it. I wonder if I had finally found it, or if I'm soon going to find it. There's not much to say, though. I don't know what to do, so I let myself drown in dreams again...

Darkness

Things that have happened recently have really changed me. It's hard to believe that all that actually has happened. I sit alone in my room and gaze the dark night I see through the window. I have not done that for a while now, but tonight is dedicated to the memories of the past times. The darkness of the late autumn covers everything, and the coming winter has given its first signs. It will not take that long anymore until the winter will take over and let its gentle, cold breeze wipe over. The sight I see behind the window is still the same it was a couple of weeks ago, but something inside me has changed. All the worlds' darkness and misery can't bring me down right now. Loneliness and emptiness, my beloved old companions, greet me once again and embrace me gently as I sit on my couch and try not to think of the worries of the week. I have not been with you, my dear old friends, for a while now, but I have not completely forgotten you. There is so much misery inside me that it can't be taken away very quickly, but I promise I'll try to make the best out of the time that's left. Right now I don't think my original thought will carry on, though. And I owe it all to you, my dark haired friend. To you who are so far from me right now. But I don't care as long as I can still see you in the future.

Sometimes something very surprising can actually happen. There was a time when I had lost all hope, but now I wonder whether I'd be ready to start to believe again, after such a long time without faith, without a sight of hope. It's funny that it really does not take that much to be able to have faith again. I'm bit upset that I write such a positive rubbish, though. All these changes just have made to change my perspective on things. I should not be writing at all because everything I write at the moment is nonsense. But it has been that for a very long time now. I'm not sure whether I have written even one sensible post. Maybe it was not such a good idea to start to write after all. I just needed a place to express myself so badly that I felt compelled to do that. I had such a great plan and now I'm not sure whether I'll be able to follow it. Well, maybe that is not so bad. Maybe things will turn out better this way, after all.

Dear darkness, my beloved friend, let's travel to the end of the night. Tonight I don't want to see anything else but you. Tonight it is just you, dear darkness, me, and my old friends, emptiness and loneliness. Maybe this will be our last journey together. Or maybe this is just one of the many along the way. I don't know and, frankly, I don't care. I have been here so many times before. I want to change but it does not matter if nothing happens after all. Now I have had the most beautiful moments of my life, and they are something I can cherish with you, dear darkness. Our journey to the end of the night begins. I see darkness, with my eyes wide open...