Piano

As I look outside through the window I see how dark it actually is. Autumn is here, and I am waiting for it to take over the nature. Colors are already giving shape to the world but soon they will burst out in all of their beauty and glory. I feel like waiting for something. I'm reliefed that the season has gone as well as it has and that the time that has passed has not brought me down. I'm thinking of the time that's still ahead. I wish I somehow could define the moment but the emptiness blurs my vision. The darkness really is everywhere and it covers the essence of the moment. I try to transcend the reality. Existence-essence, real-potential, appereance-reality; the dialectics of what is perceived. I am somewhere in the middle of the flow of the being-there, not really understanding the flash of the moment of the not-yet and not-anymore. I'm too tired, once again, to make sense.

I'm glad that things have recently turned out not as bad as they could have. So far so good, I guess. I know I should be aware of the dangers of optimism but I just want for a moment to feel like all would not be lost. Hence, anxiously I look to the unknown future, not knowing of what lies ahead. I'm afraid that everything will once again come tumbling down. But this lazy night just won't be dedicated to misery. I'm alone, though. I see a darkness. I wonder if I could turn the light on. September has passed, as have eight years. It has really been eight years since I started to write my thoughts down. Eight years of loneliness, emptiness, and misery. Eight years of writing. Eight years and nothing has happened. Or to put it in another words; eight years and I have not done anything, have not accomplished anything. All this aside, I'm glad that you have returned my dark haired friend. The misery of the world is less painful now that I can share it with you. Thank you.

I have not been writing recently. I have been thinking. I've tried to sort out my way home. I have not found the answers yet but for the first time in God knows how long time I finally feel like I could find them before the time finally comes, and I will leave all this behind. I take a look at my piano that stands alone by the wall. I press the keys and listen to the sound they make. I sit by the piano and gently play a simple song. I feel the melody flowing through me. A sad little tune for the dark, lonely night. I sit back on my couch...and think of her...