One look in to those eyes and
everything loses its meaning. I have experienced the feeling of utter
helplessness in front of a person before, but never before have I experienced the
true sense of being close and experiencing the mutual relatedness, the mutual
feeling of completely selfless, irrational love; the longing for surrendering
completely to the other. I think someone wrote a long time ago that in a state
of blind love the eye no longer objectivizes or annihilates the other. And that
is precisely the feeling I think I have finally achieved. True freedom comes
from the fact when one realizes that one is free to do whatever one wants, but
one does not want to do anything else than surrender utterly and completely
under the power of the other. And this infinite, irrational love is the purpose
of being. The self realizes the inevitable freedom of being and the fact that
in order to exist, the self has to face and practice this freedom. The feeling
of bad faith disappears, when one gives up all the excuses of not being free
and takes the responsibility of the existence of the self but also of the
existence of the other. The restrictions of the world are finally left behind.
The self realizes that it has to create the foundations of its existence. And
then enters the other. The beautiful other; and the object of my desire becomes
the sole purpose of my being, the sole purpose of my existence.
Many years I wondered around the
world confused, lost and alone. Now I have finally found the purpose. I have
found a way to finally understand who I am and why I live. I look at the
beautiful blue eyes of my beloved. Carefully I caress her hair. I realize now
what I was looking for. But the path of miseries and misfortunes was not for
vain. I have come to realize how beautiful the world around us is. We are all
alone, we are free to decide the grounds on which we stand, and we will have to
face life as it is. There are obstacles in the way, and no one can be blamed
for giving in to bad faith, because the misery of the world is strong and it is
so easy to drown in it. Sometimes it is not fair to call the surrendering to
the world as “bad faith”, because sometimes the weight of the world is beyond
our capabilities to control it. We will have to make the best out of the mess
we are in. The world is an irrational place, and we will have to do whatever it
takes to make it through. Some will make it, will some will not. Life is
arbitrary, and we will simply have to do our best in order to make it. One will
have to make the best out of the misery one got. It is not easy to become
emancipated from the chains of life, but should that happen, it is definitely
worth it.
At the dawn of a new day, I say “hi”
to her, as we open our eyes and wake up from our sleep. The day goes by, slowly
and without a care, and I do not find the time to worry about the present.
After a well-spent evening we go to sleep, and let ourselves drown into the
bliss of the night. I have had too many wasted mornings, days, evenings, and
nights. Now it seems that I have come to realize what I have lost, but there is
no reason to think about the wasted years. There are all the reasons to look to
the future and what lies ahead. The times that will come are by no means easy,
and I am not expecting them to be a victory march or a parade of glory.
However, I will have to let the past be gone, find a new orientation to
everything, and face whatever shall be on my path.
Knowledge becomes understanding. The
moment when one realizes that it is all the same. The paradox is within the
paradox, and the solution is there too. I have not yet found the answer, but I
know now how to find it. I will not cease writing. I still have some analyzing
to do. I know now who I am and why do I live; so maybe I will eventually find
my way home, too.
