Last rays of the sun of the early spring

The spring is own its way. I can see it and feel it in everywhere I look and in everyting I do. One third of the new year has passed and nothing have changed. Still I look at the world through the mist of sadness and loneliness, and the beauty of the waking nature seems so faint that I almost cry for letting it pass me so carelessly. No matter how much I try to love I always end up alone with the misery and anxiety that have been there for so long now that it has become hard to even remember times without them. At certain moments there is the serenity that makes me forget everything around me and sends me on my way into the unknown. Sometimes I even look into the future with the hope that I can find that something I have been looking for all these years. And then when I enter the reality again it seems so difficult to look for it because sometimes I`m not quite sure if I even know what it is that I am looking for. "Sometimes our secrets are all we got." (N.C.) Sometimes I wish I could sit together with someone and confess all my secrets, because if my secrets make me the one I am, no one really knows me. And sometimes it gets so alone when no one knows me, not even those who think that they know me. Hardest part is to admit the failures you have done and face the truth. All alone, with only misery and sadness in your heart. With the pain of knowing that you have hurt so many people unintentionally. I wish I could tell her how sorry I really am, but I guess it`s too late for that now.

As I sit and think alone in my small apartment, the nature grows around me in all of the brightness and beauty of the early spring. The sun shines through the weak clouds and occasionally sends its helloes to the earth below, where I sit alone and try to let then sun know that I never turned my back on it. The evening sun of the early spring is getting tired and preparing to go to sleep. I`ve always loved winter, but today the coming of the spring sends me the first hints of the summer ahead, and I can`t help but wonder if I`m getting old or tired, but the summer feels both trivial and fascinating at the same time. I know I have already lost it. Right now I`m not even thinking about finding the way, but the conflicts I`ve felt recently leave me speechless. I`m so sorry that it is so hard for me to express my feelings. I`m getting drunk...there`s still so much to do...I love all of you who do not know me....

Just another day...

I`m sitting and waiting for a reply that most likely will never come. The excitement of anticipation has vanished, it seems, and I watch as the warm spring sun shines bright from the sky without being able to define the moment or my thoughts of it. The world stands still while my thoughts drift somewhere in the beautiful fields of another world, a world where I can feel complete and my loneliness and feelings of failure have disappeared. I wonder if that something that I have been searching for all these years is somewhere out there and I should finally get myself together and start the search again. Last time I failed. Maybe this time will be different. I think I have enough wasted years to share. Maybe these last moments should be something else. I close my eyes as my dream lover gently caresses my hair. And I`m waiting for another day to pass...Oh when will I ever learn...

waiting

For the first time in ages I`m excited about something. I guess it really does not matter that I know that in the end it will go wrong and I`ll end up hurt and in misery. I really don`t understand why I let these things get on to me. The night is coming. All I see is something else at the moment because....well...it gets me...There`s still too much time. I don`t kow how to deal with all this. I know my excitement and anticipation will end in desperation and loneliness...and in misery....nothing gets right now....welcome to emptiness...