Emptiness embraces me once again. In this solitude it is impossible to be for the other since the other it somewhere out of reach, somewhere beyond my solitary existance I cannot escape. I'm trapped within the angst that takes my breath away and reveals the end of the line to me. It's funny that when people are in love they can't speak of anything else besides their feelings and emotions of love. Their whole world and existence within it is captured by the coming of the other who is never present in the world where everything is present. The coming-to-be has captured the existence of the being-in-love, and it seems that the experience of being in love is something that makes one experience the totality of the existence without even realizing it. It's funny and sad at the same time. It's funny because I can't understand how one emotion can be so completely capturing, and it's sad because I know I never get to experience it. If it is the other that brings temporality and meaning into the life of the self, my existence is pointless.
Meanwhile, the night has started to slowly fall upon the day. It's still so bright outside, but one can see the twilight slowly starting to take over, even if it is still going to take a couple of hours. I wonder if I am one with the change of the time. The moment makes the day turn into night in this slow and fragmentary process, just as it makes me take one step further into the darkness of my lonely journey to the end of the road. A life without a purpose. A life without the experience of the other. Complete solitude makes one temporarily forget the trivialities of life on which one needs to cling in order to make some sense into this miserable path of failures and misfortunes. But then, without a warning, without a caution of its coming, it strikes once again with all of its fury and strenght. And desperation and anxiety will come with their pleasant personalities and be my company till the end of the night. Silence. The perfect sound of the world out there. Loneliness. The perfect being of the one not knowing how to live.
Once again I thought I might have found the one thing that could have taken me safely to home and carried me through the day. And once again, I failed. Disappointment after another. To be alone does not terrify me. The false glimpse of hope of not being alone terrifies me, because after it the loneliness feels a million times harder. The safety and the security are gone. And all that is left is the insecurity and the desperate longing for that something that's never there.
It's weird but the summer seems like a delight to me. I have not felt like this in ages. And I think of you, my friend who has forgotten me, and I say: "My beloved friend I wish I could have trusted you. After everything is said, there is nothing, it seems. All the words are used and I could not be the one you wanted me to be, and the rest is silence. Silence of the lonely night I am once again about to face." I get it, you are in love...I hope there's some of it for the rest of the world too...Carry on with all of your beauty..just leave me something to remeber you by...
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