Still morning and some other pointless thoughts

Sometimes I really love these slow, boring sunday mornings with nothing to do. Memories of the mid summer fest are slowly fading into the background. I think of the people I have lost during the last week. I think of the last night I spent sleeping, and hence missed the call I was waiting for, feeling at the same time both terrified and excited. My actions do not make any sense anymore. In fact, they have not made any sense to me for a while now. But I just do not want to think about that now. So instead of making myself nervous worrying about the irrationality of my existence I decide to let it all be for a while and just to sit back and let myself drown into the nothingness of the moment. Words create the shape of the moment. And after everything is said, the rest is silence. And it is the silence and the emptiness I once again cherish here at my small apartment. I don't want to think about tomrrow now. There will be a time for that, but that time just is not right now.

I think of her I met the other night. I think how her youth made me feel so alive. I had not felt that way in a very long time. And I remembered all the time I had wasted. I was thinking about those wasted, lost years I spent searching for the purpose of existence. And her voice made it all look so insignificant. But I knew at the same time that it wouldn't make any difference. "You and I, my friend, are from so very different worlds." 

And I think of her who keeps laughing at me at the cafeteria. I want to know who you are and why do you laugh at me. I keep seeing your face every time I close my eyes. And your smile and your beautiful eyes reveal my weakness to me, as I'm dying to know your name. And I know you are laughing at me. It is not just in my head. It has to be true. I think of the one chance I had but which I blew. I simply asked for just a one chance, and I had it, and I blew it.  And there probably will be no second chance. And I feel so determined to make my next irrational move the next time I see you, but at the same time I'm worried because I know there is a possibility I whimp out. So I find myself worrying once again. So much for taking it easy, I guess.

My mind is so empty at the moment. There seems to be no writing there, no letters for the day. The still moment carries me on to face the slow day I have to manage before the new beginning arrives. I would not want to feel this way because I know the failure that will follow will once again bring me down. The moment is so very difficult to define. There are no words to describe it with. These pointless thoughts just don't make any sense...

Thoughts of a Summer evening

Emptiness embraces me once again. In this solitude it is impossible to be for the other since the other it somewhere out of reach, somewhere beyond my solitary existance I cannot escape. I'm trapped within the angst that takes my breath away and reveals the end of the line to me. It's funny that when people are in love they can't speak of anything else besides their feelings and emotions of love. Their whole world and existence within it is captured by the coming of the other who is never present in the world where everything is present. The coming-to-be has captured the existence of the being-in-love, and it seems that the experience of being in love is something that makes one experience the totality of the existence without even realizing it. It's funny and sad at the same time. It's funny because I can't understand how one emotion can be so completely capturing, and it's sad because I know I never get to experience it. If it is the other that brings temporality and meaning into the life of the self, my existence is pointless.

Meanwhile, the night has started to slowly fall upon the day. It's still so bright outside, but one can see the twilight slowly starting to take over, even if it is still going to take a couple of hours. I wonder if I am one with the change of the time. The moment makes the day turn into night in this slow and fragmentary process, just as it makes me take one step further into the darkness of my lonely journey to the end of the road. A life without a purpose. A life without the experience of the other. Complete solitude makes one temporarily forget the trivialities of life on which one needs to cling in order to make some sense into this miserable path of failures and misfortunes. But then, without a warning, without a caution of its coming, it strikes once again with all of its fury and strenght. And desperation and anxiety will come with their pleasant personalities and be my company till the end of the night. Silence. The perfect sound of the world out there. Loneliness. The perfect being of the one not knowing how to live.

Once again I thought I might have found the one thing that could have taken me safely to home and carried me through the day. And once again, I failed. Disappointment after another. To be alone does not terrify me. The false glimpse of hope of not being alone terrifies me, because after it the loneliness feels a million times harder. The safety and the security are gone. And all that is left is the insecurity and the desperate longing for that something that's never there.

It's weird but the summer seems like a delight to me. I have not felt like this in ages. And I think of you, my friend who has forgotten me, and I say: "My beloved friend I wish I could have trusted you. After everything is said, there is nothing, it seems. All the words are used and I could not be the one you wanted me to be, and the rest is silence. Silence of the lonely night I am once again about to face." I get it, you are in love...I hope there's some of it for the rest of the world too...Carry on with all of your beauty..just leave me something to remeber you by...