The Unknown

I sit alone in my apartment as the stillness of the noon embraces me. The trails of the night have vanished and I am somewhere between sleep and being awake. The loneliness of the moment feels so familiar, but the not-too-distant-future unfolds in the front of my eyes. The Unknown is ahead. All my life, as long as I can remember, I have known what is going to happen. And the future has always been filled with pain, misery and loneliness. And so I have waited, trying to avoid all the failures and misfortunes that have, nonetheless, faced me. So until now I have been so blind because of the loneliness that has been my only firend. Loneliness is such a dear but oh such a demanding lover. It allows you to see no one else. So you, my beloved unknown friend, have came onto my path. The possibilites of being, the other, and the negation all entwine into something I cannot define. Without the other, being-there is without a meaning. For the first time in my life I feel like my lonely existence could turn into something else. But I cannot expect anything. I know it's over; I know it's too late to try anymore. So all I ask of you is to be who you are and let the being-there of yourself, the other, intrude my lonely existence. Without a word, without a care. I want to be something else just for the night. To feel the touch of the other. To forgive. Myself.

"Don't get any big ideas; they're not gonna happen"

"So lovely was the loneliness"

I want to look to the coming open as the air above. The grey, windy, and rainy autumn day greets me with all of its colors, with all of its cool, gray air. And I say "Hi, my beloved day, I'm so glad you came, although I*m quite confused." The time has gone so fast. I have completely lost the track. Summer has long been gone, and soon the beautiful autumn will change into the beautiful winter. I count the days ahead. There are still too many of them left. I wish I could call this off already and leave all this behind, but there just is still too much to do before I can go. But for tonight I want to forget all my past and the future that will not come. I just want to have this one night. I don't know what will happen. Everything looks so different right now, as if something's changed. But I know nothing has. Tomorrow I can wake up, knowing that I did what I was supposed to do, but it did not change anything. Alone as ever. "There was nothing to fear, nothing to doubt..."