August of misery

It goes and it goes. Darkness all around me. My altruistic thoughts have not vanished, although my optimism has. Everything has gone wrong. Lesson learned: never be positive, always think of the worst. I just wish this would be over soon. Too many failures and adversaries have faced me during the past month, which has pulled me very low. Crimson line in the horizon reminds me of the precious moment. I need to do this because at the moment it is all I have. Hold on, for a minute there I lost myself. Phew. Feel like heard that before, huh? Anxious moment passes me. Where have all my thought gone? Why I can't seem to find the way? There's too many questions but, once again, not a single answer.

Useless items on my desk
Not a single word to be found
Need to feed myself
Need to kill the pain
Darkness embraces
the love of the solitude
No reason, no rhyme
Just killing time

Well, I have never been a poet. I have tried, though. I did my best, and I failed miserably. Lesson learned: never try. Well that's not true, right. It just seems so hard to find a point in trying after failing so many times. But I'll keep going for now. The light of the August will long remain in my memory. I just really hope this damn August of misery would end soon. I wish I could bury all the misery that's come with it. And I wish I finally could close my eyes. Is it time to go to sleep yet? Well not yet. So I decide to sit back and watch as the darkness falls over the sky...

To forgive

All that has happened recently in my life and in the world in general has once again made me to think about humanity. As hard as I try I just can't understand the persistent competition and struggle that seems to be going on. People everywhere try to overcome the other, to show that they are better than the other. This leads to the continuous urge to maximize the profits as quickly as possible. And hence all the problems there are. Humanity is sickness. Why? It should not be that. People should be happy of the simple realization of their existence. Happiness should come from the feeling of being. People should simply sit by a river and see the air above, the ground beneath, flying birds and growing flowers. We should realize the bliss of being alone and of being alone together with the other. We should simply see the beauty we are blessed with. We should see the beauty of being, beauty that continuously flows around us. There is so much beauty in the world, but people have turned it into ugliness by their greed and desire to be above everything else. And the other is always to blame. Fault is never in the self. The simple fact, however, is that it is me and no one else who is to blame. I alone am completely responsible of everything and everyone. I owe it all to you because without you there would be no meaning in my existence. I would simply be without existing. When do we realize that the way to happiness is much more simple than we believe. All we need to do is to want less, be happy with less, to have respect for the other, and to realize that is not about winning and it never was. I have been chasing for that something for so long now that I have forgotten what life is all about. And now, as I am counting the days, I finally see how simple it actually was. And now it is too late.All is lost. Some of the recent accidents I have faced actually were out of my control, but I don't want to complain anymore. I have been angry because of everything that has happened of which I have been completely innocent. But I have learned to accept it now. I am not in terms with myself yet, but I hope I will find the way to make ends meet before my time finally comes, and it is coming. All the time. I can feel it. There are yet too many days to go, but I have found the way to get through them. I just have not found the way to forgive myself yet. To forgive. I forgive the humanity. Now I have no hard feelings with anybody anymore. I forgive you. The day we start to put the other before our immediate needs is the day the world will go towards a better direction. Will that day ever come? I think it won't. There is no need to loose all faith yet, however.

Last days of summer are at hands. It is already dark. No shades, no beautiful colours of the setting sun. Just simple darkness that embraces me. Though I have forgiven the most recent misery that's been given to me, I'm still bit upset of having to stay at home yet for another night. Eventually, however, there will be another night. I'm still not able to close my eyes but I have learned to live with that too. I just wish that you, my beloved transcendental reader, will learn to see and appreciate the beauty you have in your life. Appreciate and cherish the being, and have all the respect for the love you possibly have in your life. There is no love in my life, and there never was. Once I was angry but not anymore. Despite all that my days are numbered. I can't believe that soon one summer has once again come to pass. I can't believe how many seasons I have seen already. The thing to remeber of this summer is the moment of sitting on my couch, embraced by solitude and darkness, my precious companions, and thinking while wathing the dance of the colours of the sky. I also remeber her beautiful face. "I forgive you the fact that you have not been the friend to me that I have probably been to you. It does not matter anymore. I reached out for a hand that was taken away from me, but all that is in the past now. I wish you understand how much I cherish your every word." With great confusion I sit back on my couch and cherish the loneliness...little worries of lost time rush through my mind...I try to define the beauty of the darkness of the room...  

Shades of gray

Every now and then there comes a time when it is just so difficult to express thoughts with words. Long time passes by without any words. Empty page keeps staring back at me while I struggle trying to define the moment. I'm so tried. I just wish I could close my eyes, for I have not been able to do that for a while now. I look out through the window and think about the summer that has turned towards its end. "There is still time", I say to myself. Nothing has happened. I have not been able to change. Memories from two years ago fill my mind, for some reason. Little things bring joy to my life. "I really wish I'm the only one in this country to have that shirt, you know. That's one of the reasons why I ordered that." Then the reality hits me once again, trying to bring me down. And the anxiety strikes me every morning reflecting itself from the mirror. "Rain down on me; I'm only happy when it rains." "I'm so glad that I can write to you again." I just wish I could close my eyes, just for a short little while. I hope this waiting is coming to its end. Next weekend I'll be back on the track. "You know, you look so fine; you're taking me over." I just wish I could close my eyes. Some say that depression kills creativity, while other say creativity can come out of depression. I don't know which one is right. I think it depends on the moment. Otherwise things have gone surprisingly well, and I'm prepared for the hard times to come. In some kind of a freaky way it has been nice to see the changes of the sky through the window during the summer. Colours of the sky and the sun above the field on the other side of the road have truly been inspirational during these weeks of boredom and agony. They have made these evenings into something beautiful, almost poetic some could say. And all the shades of gray surround me while I think about the time to still come. Last period of a season has begun. I just wish I could close my eyes. Next week, perhaps... I'm writing this simply to get something done.