Day by day, Hour by hour. Moment by moment. I focus on every step I take. The bright rays of the new sun of the spring blind my eyes. I feel the world awakening together with me on this Saturday morning. I have been too busy with everything lately, so I have not got the time to think about the world. I think about how the world is defined through the construction of values, and how we succumb to the bad faith, surrendering to the easy flow of the everyday world. I see people not wanting to face the responsibility of creating the world they live in. And therefore they take it all as given, take life for granted, and go on without realizing the deep purpose of the being.
The snow is melting. I approach the world from a new perspective. "Self analysis is not sickness", I say. But it does not matter; people have never understood me anyhow. "I am so glad that you are here with me", I say. And I feel the world opening itself up to me as I gaze into those beautiful blue eyes behind the fragile curtain of black hair. "I know you are so sensitive", I say. And the moment slips into the past and becomes history. A moment I cherish nonetheless, a moment that makes the life worth living after all.
I promise I will make my last statement before the point of change. For a few years now I have been on a path, on a journey to the end of the night, and now I feel the night is finally coming to its close, and the morning is about to begin. Before the end of the night, however, I want to sort out my thoughts. Just for the sake of the future. Just for the sake of clarity. The purpose of my journey has changed. I have changed. Some things are the same, however, and I feel as if I had to figure it all out, nevertheless. I still see suicide as a rational decision in this irrational world, yet the final moment for me has not come. I came so close, but then something very unexpected happened, something unpredictable. And in the end it was fine; it turned out for the best, after all. Though once I had lost my faith, I think I am ready to find it again.
Sein wird Dasein. All the definitions and the unrecognizable normative statements escape from my mind. I will get rid of the structures of humanity. It was about the self, after all. I see the sun swimming in the clear blue sky. The self realizing the existence of the being. I see the new grass growing among the last drops of snow of the bygone winter. Alone and together at the same time. The warm breeze of the early spring caresses my hair. Freedom and slavery intertwines. I close my eyes. I see it now; my being is becoming my existence. I hope you had the time of your life....maybe it is worth it after all...to be continued...
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