eclipsed by the morning

It is me who writes this post. It is me because it is not anyone else. Usually, I use symbolic language. Symbolism is a kind of mask that hides me from the others. It helps me to observe the world from a distance. I like to see people getting confused with my ambiguous expression. Being mysterious used to be my “thing”. Today I feel like lifting the veil a bit. Perhaps just for once I could write without evasive words. Perhaps for once I could write without the cover of my alter ego. 

I am nobody. Well, I mean, I am somebody, but my existence is not important. I think that people do not like the real me. They want to see my alter ego. Or maybe I am afraid that they realize that there is nothing underneath the cover; just a plain person without any special characteristics. A boring man. Maybe I fear that I am just like anyone else. I fer that I could be called normal. That is terrifying.

There used to be nobody in my world. Now there are few people in it. The presence of otherness has changed my perception of my existence, because it is through the other that we realize the meaning of our existence. But I do not want to go into that now. Let’s be more down-to-earth this time. 

I start to write this blog a few years ago because I was so confused and I needed something to take it out on. I always knew that no one will ever read this blog, but that did not matter then, just as it does not matter now. Just to see my words in the reality of the internet was enough. It made me feel as if I had another existence. It gave me some sense of meaning. At that time I had reached the point in my life at which I just could not care anymore. All the things I did just felt so futile. I was very alone. 

There was a lot of inspiration, though. I loved music, and I loved to read. I especially liked some musicians on the YouTube, or a musician to be more precise, because they were so authentic and real. Furthermore, I used to write myself, and I also played the piano and the guitar. They brought me some consolation. All these things helped me to hold myself together. Recently, I have not done any of these anymore. 

I think this suffices for the moment. Although many things have changed, I still need to write. And although my life has become much busier than what it used to be, I try to find some time to find the words with which to express my feelings. Maybe I will even try to open up my mask a little bit more. Or maybe I get back to symbolism. I do not know. It frightens me to be too honest. But it does not matter. As said, no one will read about it anyhow. Now, however, I have wasted already enough working time.