December

My trials of the year are over. The days that were never supposed to come are gone but not forgotten. I remember the times, times of sadness and desperation, when I was alone, doomed to fail, just waiting for it all to come to a beautiful end. I was a sad little boy whose heart was full of love but who did not know how to live in this crazy world. So I stumbled along the path of miseries, wondering if it will always be this way, wasted life and love waiting for an end, not knowing how to become full. Frankly, I do not know who has created the criteria of good life, and I do not know why they even exist. But I wish I could deconstruct them, and create a world in which everyone could live by their own standards. Crazy thoughts of a wasted mind. Frankly, I do not care anymore.

The twilight arrives. I open my tired eyes, seeing something between light and darkness. Gently I caress her hair. "Your beauty has blinded me. All I am and have is because of you. I want to live only for you." Who I am and where am I at are insignificant right now. To know yourself, to know your purpose, to find a way. It all comes sooner or later.

The battle between life and death goes on within me. The paradox of existence lurks forever beneath the serenity of the everyday. Each day has its miseries. Great changes are ahead. The next year is unknown; it may bring sorrow or happiness. I do not know.

We find various ways to cope with our mindless existence. Some people find happiness in the small things of the everyday. They are mostly content, finding their happiness in another person or something like that. Others cling onto something. Their happiness depends on their addiction and their success with it. And then there are those unfortunate few who want to solve the great mysteries of life. They search for something bigger. Hardly ever do they succeed, and thus they remain sad, always searching for that something that would open their eyes and make them realize the purpose of being.

I have come a long way. This morning belongs to me. The next days are full of the beauty of nothingness; the greatest joy in life. To be or not to be. It does not matter.